Josh: Being a stay-at-home Dad
Josh Koia is a 38-year-old father to five stepchildren and 16-month-old Ancient. No stranger to father-figure roles, Josh has been a tuākana to many young men in his career as a social worker, and a godfather since he was 15 years old. In this story, we explore Josh’s choice to support his wife Jade to return to work while he became the stay-at-home Dad to baby Ancient – a decision that Josh advocates and encourages other men to consider for their whānau.
Josh Koia:
"Ko Josh toku ingoa
Hikurangi te maunga Waiapu te awa
Horouta te waka
Penu te marae
So I'm Josh Koia, I was born in Gisborne.
I'm a father, I'm a godfather, uncle.
Yeah, if you were to ask any of my close friends, guess they'll just say, yeah, Josh is a decent guy."
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On-screen text reads "Change is possible. Josh's story".
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Josh Koia:
"I've always been a tuakana, worked with rangatahi, youth justice, mental health, disability sector as well.
I've just always had a heart for anyone who's vulnerable and maybe hasn't had
the best start to life.
So that's been my mahi for the past 15 plus years.
Now I've got five step kids.
I don't really like labels, but I like the meaning of step dad.
I heard a saying around that was, just someone who steps up to be dad.
I also love that the kids just call me their other dad, they don't really use the name step dad.
And then yeah, little Ancient came along and bridged the gap.
Ancient Sh'ma Āniwaniwa Koia
She'd be 16 months now.
So this is my first biological baby.
So, I always wanted to be a father.
It's a generational thing that the man is the breadwinner.
The man is the provider, that the mother is the housewife, cooks dinner and holds down home, looks after the kids.
Man, that's not truth at all, really.
That's a father's role as well.
Soon as I heard about the kaupapa, I just jumped on it.
Cause I did want to challenge that, that narrative about mums staying at home all the time and challenge fathers out there to step up to the plate.
Jade had already done this five times. So, and she was always stay at home mum.
She wanted to start something on her own.
Naturally, I was drawn to being a stay at home dad.
Just understanding the importance around being present for your child.
I guess I learned along the way about the first thousand days of a child's life are the most important.
So for me it was a no brainer.
I left work.
So my wife could just focus on her own mahi and what we're doing, which was to be home with Ancient.
I guess my kids spell love with T-I-M-E, time.
So for me, just quality time with my kids you show the importance of being a present father in those years, but I guess going into it, then I found the, "wow," this isn't easy at all.
Their energy, you're just tired the time. I guess it's the broken sleeps, you know?
I mean, Ancient woke up at four this morning and it's testing.
I never thought I'd get frustrated with my own baby.
You know?
I never thought that.
I was like, nah, I'd never do that.
But gee, no, the frustration's real.
Yeah, for me it was the cabin fever being home all the time and just experiencing
what mums go through.
I was saying it before, I used to be able to sympathize but now I can actually empathize with moms who actually do this with more than one little baby.
For me, I just love to be a part of changing the narrative that it's not just a mother's job to raise their kids switch seats and let your wahine go to mahi.
Walk this kind of path with your tamariki and be the main caregiver, nurturer.
So the main gift I've actually gained from this is knowing that I was present there the whole way through and the gift, the bond that, that creates as well.
This is the best choice that I definitely made leaving work and doing this.
I wouldn't change it for anything."
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